Calling it in

Sometimes I Call It In. I'm not saying I'm proud, just forthright. But, how did I get here?

Over the last few weeks of summer, into the fall, I was feeling drained. But, I didn't know to what extent until I went away by myself at the end of September. When I was growing up and into my young adult years, I spent a lot of time by myself. I spent time creating; journaling, painting, drawing, writing, studying art forms. I came to know myself, to even enjoy spending time by myself, so much that I preferred it to being around others sometimes. When I lived in Maryland, I would sometimes go down to The Mall in D.C. and just sit and draw, people watch, watch the carousel, and, of course, go to the Art Museum. I spent hours doing this kind of thing and I loved it. I sometimes would get really close to paintings so I could see the brush strokes. It was amazing, even magical, to me....how such incredible visual feasts could be created with brush strokes. How, with large and small dots of paint a completely different aesthetic could be created as opposed to long brush strokes. Amazing. But, I digress.

That plethora of alone time has certainly dwindled over the years, with work and then children, and then work again, needing more of my time. And, as my children are now a little older, are potty-trained and not nursing, they don't need me in the same way. Yet they still need me and I find myself sometimes not putting forth my best effort. And I am fully aware of why I do this. What I see time and again is that people don't know how far they have sunk until they have risen again. And that's what happened to me...again.

In my day-to-day life, I spend my days (and nights, sometimes) taking care of everyone else. I fix meals, clean floors, wash dishes, do laundry, organize papers, drive my kids to school, help expecting parents, help new parents, am a sounding board for my friends and a partner to my husband. And a hundred other things. I get a cup of coffee now and then, or I spend too much time on Facebook, but that doesn't really revive me from my other duties. This is no different than many other people in the world, so don't think I am belly-aching about that.

When I went away to Milwaukee at the end of September for the first-ever joint conference between ICEA and Lamaze, I took the ferry at my husband's suggestion. It was a good one. I love water, boats, and it was a gorgeous day. It was a great way to start the trip, very calming and soothing. I sat on the sun deck and soaked in the sun, the sway of the boat. I could have stayed there all day. Eventually, I went in and read my book for a little while, which is also something I don't get to do enough of.

What I realized at the conference is that I had been Calling It In. Not only with my family, but with my classes, perhaps even with my co-workers. It wasn't an indication that I didn't care, but that I needed some re energizing, some alone time, some time to reflect and say again, "Oh yeah, this is why I do this. And, yes, I can continue on this path because it is important...and it is what I am supposed to be doing." I felt revitalized towards my job, my kids, my husband. It was amazing.

So, I am grateful. I am grateful that I could go to the conference, that I was able to get revitalized, that it helped me realize how far I had sunk and how often I was Calling It In. And, while I won't have the opportunity to go away again soon, I will remember that boat ride, the sun on my face, the gentle sway of the boat, and I will have a little piece of it. A little peace.