Tonight I closed up as I usually do; making sure I had my belongings, turning down the light, punching the key code in for the alarm...it was all automatic. And then I put the key in. One last time.
Tomorrow the place as I know it will be no longer and it will be a new entity. And 10 years as if it didn't exist. And so far from where it began.
Innocence was lost gradually this time, as it usually is, I suppose. And, looking back, I was naive. Beyond naive.
It was where I became the mother I wanted to be. It changed me. On a cellular level. For a time. Now, looking back, it seemed easier, simpler.
But it was smoke and mirrors. It was simply because I didn't know. I didn't know the happiness I felt, the delirium of naivete I should have been celebrating. And now my cellular self is ragged, in pieces with my DNA showing for all to see. And there's no hope for a mosaic. No king's horses here. It's clear now that I am less sad about the former entity being gone and more distressed about who I have become, how I have changed. Who I have lost.
Now, instead of the even steps I took to my car, what I longed to do was to run. Run as far and as fast as I could until I knew no one and no one knew me. Until the surroundings were unfamiliar and maybe even faintly unsettling. I craved something of different origins and I didn't even care how I got there or what it was like there. Geography, traditions, resources, all ideals tossed aside because they really don't matter if I no longer have to hide in the bushes, afraid of being ravaged. And it all changed in one moment.
From there, the cascade has been engulfing me. And now I feel like I can't breathe and I just want out. Out. Can anyone hear me?
No. Because I can't speak.
The key has turned.
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